As a developing child, experiencing and exploring various roles to direct ourselves into the abyss of future is both natural and necessary in which we learn what we should be doing in the forthcoming years of our lives. We develop emotions to ourselves and to others like envy to supplant our insecure self into our ideal personality. A sentiment such as envy is wired into our undeveloped mind in order to build the better persons we should be in the future. We do not examine it rather we just feel ashamed to admit we are already feeling it. But like emotions we have, it is there to help us know what we want. At least in a childish manner, we express the envy for betterment. It is an instrument to define our roles in society in general. It is the fragments of our future ego trying to break free.
Envy in areas in my life showed me what I really want. I want to be happy for as long as I love what I am doing. The questions, should I envy people I hated or envy the people I love or adore? Envy to me is not synonymous to hate. But unlike joy or laughter it is not something I am proud of telling to others but it mostly something I am fond of doing. Envy is not excessive in nature as long as it is checked. It greatly affected my ego, my pride, and my humanity as a whole. Do I feel envy when I see gay people? Yes. Do I feel envious with the homosexuals? No. I do not feel envy towards them but I feel envy about them being always gay (happy). To that I learned that to be something I want, which is to be happy is to be just like them – out, proud, bubbly, and flashy. Although the society today is still on the account of its grip of tolerance with which you need to be respectable in movement, dress according to your genitalia, feel affection only to opposite sex is extremely rigid. But, why do I soundly go out there and act as who and what I really am? There are numerous reasons and my reason is not the only one. Conflicts to the environment and society made hapless gaps of confusion within the person in me. But these gaps are to be filled with wonder, curiosity, and science that provide you that you’re not an outcast or some sort of societal leper but a vibrant ember in the pyre of evolution itself which made it proceed to an undying flame.
These conflicts of envy and disposition have generated at some point in my lifespan. These are inventions of free thinking, logic, reasons, lessons, morals, experiences, and emotions which subsequently divulge to a better and smarter me.